An open letter of disgust to the Life Savers Candy company…(Warning naughty words implied)

020Dear Destroyers of Tradition,

WHEN the flippin HECK did the Life Savers Story Books come full of nothing but FIVE MOTHER JUMPING Flavors???? EFF YOU, YOU EFFING MOTHER JUMPERS!!!!!! EFF YOU!!!!! I will never ask Santa for one again! YOU EFFING A-HOLES!!!!
Where’s the Butter Rum??? HUH??? Where’s the Tropical Fruit? ANSWER ME! And what about that nasty ass roll of Wild Cherry???? HUH????? WELL??? WHERE ARE THEY YOU BASTARDS!? No Pep-O-Mint? JUST Five Flavors?????? And since when did FRICKEN WATERMELON become one of the 5 flavors??? ASSHATS!!!!! I HATE YOU! (And so does my wife)
Love,
Doug

Doug Alley

About Doug Alley

I grew up in Bath, Maine in an upper lower class family with 3 step sisters, a step brother, and a little sister. After high school I spent 3 years serving in the USAF at Elmendorf AFB in Anchorage AK. I've competed in, and won, demolition derbies. I've competed in, and never won, stock car races. I am the 47-year-old father of an 11-year-old boy who is pretty sure he is smarter than I ever was. We live on a little less than an acre of land in a 1973 mobile home in Stetson with my wife Jen, some cats, a few chickens, and rabbits, and a couple of goats. I hunt, fish, camp out, dabble in photography, gardening, and I cook in variable degrees of near success.